Is This Your First?

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

before you were born I set you apart"

Jeremiah 1:5

       "Is this your first?" she asked as I was sitting there at my desk with my belly visible from space ( as far as I was concerned). There was no denying I was pregnant...or maybe was growing the 9th planet in our solar system. With a smile that felt a little forced I said no. Of course one follow-up question after another led to me telling a semi-stranger the short version of how my son is a rainbow baby and his sister is in heaven. The question that I knew would be asked, over and over again, has been one of my biggest triggers this pregnancy.

     I have never been afraid to talk about Teagan Joy and tell her story and the legacy she's left. I pray that throughout my life I will always be able to boldly proclaim how God has worked in our lives through the experience of having a daughter and sending her back to heaven. What I don't think I was prepared for was the responses of both compassion and aloofness from those who weren't prepared for the answer to their question. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be as I was (hopefully) gracious in my response, to relive those days with Teagan. I never thought this was something I would have to explain to complete strangers who are just excited to see new life growing, only to gain enough knowledge of the pain to see the color drain from their face and tears fill their eyes.

     Looking at this question from a different angle, is this my first? Absolutely.

This pregnancy is the first I have experienced where an ultrasound ended with the words "Your baby is beautiful". I hear my baby's heartbeat knowing it's not going to stop soon after birth. Expecting to hear my baby cry rather than just little grunts and silence. Coming home from the hospital with a baby in my arms rather than just in my heart. Picking out clothes rather than a casket. Looking at pictures in my home knowing new ones will be taken and memories will be made. First days and nights sleeping with a baby by my side, nursing, singing, bathing, changing diapers in the wee hours of the morning. Hearing him cry for me rather than me waking up in the night crying for the one I had to give back. Yes- this is my first.

      This isn't my first child and he is not a replacement for his sister. Tomorrow I am being induced and will meet our son for the first time. I absolutely love being pregnant and soon it will be a distant memory. I am so grateful that because of the hope I have in Christ, new memories will be made. Teagan isn't here physically, but she has never left. We have taken her with us every step of the way and will continue to do so. Oh how I pray her brother will grow to know her and love her despite her absence in the flesh. Jeremiah 1:5 has had such a special place in our hearts in regards to both our babies. God knew even in our darkest moments that our son would be here and be a symbol of hope. May he never live in his sister's shadow but be another ambassador for Christ and join us in living out her legacy. God has appointed him to be our son and has set him apart. God has known him since the beginning of time and knows all that we have yet to see. What comfort to know his life is in God's hands. May he be a man of good character, wisdom and one after God's own heart.

     This pregnancy has not been easy as far as the emotional roller coaster it has taken us on. We were never promised easy though were we? There is nothing "normal" about this normal pregnancy. The grief and triggers continue, but the love and hope we've been given are what get us through each day. Tomorrow I meet my son and will have many firsts all over again. Be praying for us in our first days as a family of four. Thanking God for giving grace for each and every moment.

A Wound To Be Healed

"He heals the brokenhearted
    and binds up their wounds."Psalm 147:3

Time has flown by as it seems it always does, and the holidays have come and gone yet again. Quite a few things have happened since my last post( which was FOREVER ago!): Speaking at an international conference hosted by Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, other fundraiser events and donations, vacations and...Teagan Joy's 1st birthday. I still cannot believe almost a whole year and a half has passed. Eventually I will share how I processed that day and this past year as a whole. For now, I've had the thought of "time" and "wounds" on my mind...

Why do we use the phrase "Time heals all wounds"? I think about this probably way more than I should. I've even had this said to me with the best of intentions, but it never really brings any comfort even though the person expressing this is just trying the best they can. Some of us have had wounds from childhood that haven't even begun to heal. Time can be our worst enemy if not used wisely and we allow old hurts to consume us. Time may heal some physical wounds or emotional wounds that have been dealt with through the right treatment, healthy processing, forgiveness and reconciliation. However, the time spent with a child who is no longer here, whether brief or not, does not equate to the amount of pain. I couldn't love Teagan Joy anymore if she was here today than I did almost a year and a half ago when she was born. I doubt the grief would be anymore painful as I can't imagine hurting more than I already do.

The misconception is that because on the outside we're moving forward, that in our hearts we're moving on. I will never "move on" from my daughter. She is not some cut that will scab over and scar or some boil to be scraped off the skin. Most of all, she not a "thing" or an event that happened that we just put on the back shelf of memories to collect dust. She is my daughter. She is a person and even though she is not here physically, her life still has meaning and purpose. Teagan is not the wound to be healed, the wound is living everyday without her this side of eternity. For Jason and I, we assume that people think the wound is healed because we have stepped out in faith to move forward and trusting God with our future. We are excited and so very blessed to be expecting Teagan's little brother in just 8 short weeks...

Being pregnant with our rainbow baby is such a blessing and I am thrilled to meet him. This little guy is healthy and doing wonderful! I will probably have to share separately on the roller coaster this pregnancy has taken us on in terms of our grief and processing. It is not our son's job to bring the healing as some may choose to believe. He is a different child with a different purpose. It's not his responsibility to bring us healing, but God is already using his life to bring us so much hope. This news doesn't make it any easier and my prayer is that it doesn't make me unrelatable in terms of what I've been through with Teagan.

With all of this to say as refer to the verse above, it is Christ who heals those broken places. This is a promise that God has made to those who seek Him. He is the one who puts people and circumstances in our lives to show us His true character. So much grace and mercy has been given to us that my heart overflows with thankfulness. I make the choice moment by moment, day by day to hand it over to Him. Of course we won't be fully healed this side of heaven because we are human and have a flesh, but I do believe in the hope that the healing will come as I keep trusting and surrendering. God is a big God and would rather me come to Him in honest anger, anxiety and lament than fake praise. I am reminded that He draws close to me in my time of need. I can't be dependent on myself, humans or other ways of coping...we are flawed individuals in a fallen world. All those things and even people will eventually fail me. God never fails and He doesn't plan on doing so anytime soon.

If you or someone you know can relate to our story. I encourage you to ask those hard questions to those who may be experiencing a similar circumstance. It's not easy, but I can almost guarantee that the parent of an angel baby will be so grateful that you thought of them. The last thing any of us want to feel is that our babies have been forgotten. I would like to humbly ask that you keep us in your prayers as we enter into a very exciting but new and unknown season of life. Continuing to fully grieve, but fully hope.