“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart"
Jeremiah 1:5
"Is this your first?" she asked as I was sitting there at my desk with my belly visible from space ( as far as I was concerned). There was no denying I was pregnant...or maybe was growing the 9th planet in our solar system. With a smile that felt a little forced I said no. Of course one follow-up question after another led to me telling a semi-stranger the short version of how my son is a rainbow baby and his sister is in heaven. The question that I knew would be asked, over and over again, has been one of my biggest triggers this pregnancy.
I have never been afraid to talk about Teagan Joy and tell her story and the legacy she's left. I pray that throughout my life I will always be able to boldly proclaim how God has worked in our lives through the experience of having a daughter and sending her back to heaven. What I don't think I was prepared for was the responses of both compassion and aloofness from those who weren't prepared for the answer to their question. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be as I was (hopefully) gracious in my response, to relive those days with Teagan. I never thought this was something I would have to explain to complete strangers who are just excited to see new life growing, only to gain enough knowledge of the pain to see the color drain from their face and tears fill their eyes.
Looking at this question from a different angle, is this my first? Absolutely.
This pregnancy is the first I have experienced where an ultrasound ended with the words "Your baby is beautiful". I hear my baby's heartbeat knowing it's not going to stop soon after birth. Expecting to hear my baby cry rather than just little grunts and silence. Coming home from the hospital with a baby in my arms rather than just in my heart. Picking out clothes rather than a casket. Looking at pictures in my home knowing new ones will be taken and memories will be made. First days and nights sleeping with a baby by my side, nursing, singing, bathing, changing diapers in the wee hours of the morning. Hearing him cry for me rather than me waking up in the night crying for the one I had to give back. Yes- this is my first.
This isn't my first child and he is not a replacement for his sister. Tomorrow I am being induced and will meet our son for the first time. I absolutely love being pregnant and soon it will be a distant memory. I am so grateful that because of the hope I have in Christ, new memories will be made. Teagan isn't here physically, but she has never left. We have taken her with us every step of the way and will continue to do so. Oh how I pray her brother will grow to know her and love her despite her absence in the flesh. Jeremiah 1:5 has had such a special place in our hearts in regards to both our babies. God knew even in our darkest moments that our son would be here and be a symbol of hope. May he never live in his sister's shadow but be another ambassador for Christ and join us in living out her legacy. God has appointed him to be our son and has set him apart. God has known him since the beginning of time and knows all that we have yet to see. What comfort to know his life is in God's hands. May he be a man of good character, wisdom and one after God's own heart.
This pregnancy has not been easy as far as the emotional roller coaster it has taken us on. We were never promised easy though were we? There is nothing "normal" about this normal pregnancy. The grief and triggers continue, but the love and hope we've been given are what get us through each day. Tomorrow I meet my son and will have many firsts all over again. Be praying for us in our first days as a family of four. Thanking God for giving grace for each and every moment.
