Where You Go

...."Don't urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God."  

Ruth 1:16

So much has been going on in the almost 2 months since I posted last. Another month birthday has come and gone, and now I am gearing up for yet another one. My sweet and sassy little Teagan would have been 8 months old. Somehow that just doesn’t sound right by any means. 8 months!!? Really?!! It’s crazy to think that very soon Jason and I will start making plans on how we want to celebrate her birthday. Just over a month ago, April 1^st marked the 1 year anniversary of when we found out Teagan Joy was a little lady. Just two days later I would be asked if I wanted to terminate her and told about some of the abnormalities the ultrasound had found. Having a doctor look into your eyes as you are crying and shaking, tell you that “This isn’t the baby you dreamed of” was the last thing I thought I would ever hear let alone experience. This time of year we knew was going to be hard, but I’m not sure I prepared myself for how hard it truly is. How do you do prepare for that anyway? You don’t. You ride the wave not knowing when it’s going to dissipate, but trusting that your head is going to come above the water to take a breath.

With all of the memories flooding my mind, almost like mini episodes or pictures of the past, I cannot help but think of our best friends that were there alongside of us. I have the best friends anyone could ask for in the world. The verse I chose to share is for you all. You are our "Ruth"...you never abandoned us when we needed you most. You have been faithful and true. I may not have enough room on this page to go through every person and every circumstance…but if you're reading this, you know who you are and know you hold a special place in my heart and I love you all so very much!

After sharing with very sweet, kind and special friends who I respect tremendously about what the doctor had said on April 3rd of last year, one of them said the simplest of statements that I held onto and still do. I poured out my heart last year to them on a retreat telling them that I feel my dreams have been crushed. The dreams I had for my daughter wouldn't be coming true. The desire I had ( and every parent has for their children really) for Teagan to have a better life than the one I had was just wiped off the table. The dream was gone. Then as a let my tears flow one of my precious friends said to me "Ok, then we will have to make new dreams for her." Through the process of coming up with Teagan's birth plan and little by little finding out more about her diagnosis, some days this small sentence was what got me through. Not only because it gave me a sense of hope or that it wasn't over, but because of that one word : WE

Our best friends, a sweet couple we know have been through quite a hard year themselves. Everything from family issues and obligations, raising their young son while having very demanding jobs and even cancer. They never let their own trials stop them from meeting us where we were at, addressing our pain and all the while treating us like we were still people and most importantly their friends. They are real with us and cry with us in our pain and rejoice in the hope that we will be with our daughter again. 

Other dear and best friends of ours have gone through chronic illness, job loss and many other hurdles as well in their daily life. Again, these are people that cry with us and are like family to us. They step out in faith with us and for us through this frustrating and discouraging season of their own lives. I have learned through all of these people ( and others that would take many more words to type in order to mention...but I'm sure they know who they are) what true friendship looks like. Where we go, they go... and vice versa. We know that we aren't alone.

I already knew that I wasn't walking alone as far as Christ goes, but I needed to hear that my friends were supporting me and loving me through this. They included themselves in the grief and when the storm was raging, instead of jumping ship they got in the boat and took an ore. They were willing to be made uncomfortable in order to comfort us in our darkest hour. They were the ones that didn't need to ask how we were doing because they already knew...yet they ask anyway. They ask about our daughter, what she was like and allow us to feel like we are still parents despite our empty arms. Unless you've gone through this you will never know what it feels like. We have amazing friends who openly admit they have no clue what being in our shoes feels like or how life looks now this side of heaven. These people are more than just friends. They are family. In my life and experiences one thing has proven true...family isn't always blood. Family is the people that stand by you through thick and thin and make the choice to love you despite what it may mean for them. They have put others ahead of themselves and never expect anything in return. They create a safety net with their hearts so we know we have a soft place to fall ( other than God of course). It's the people that you feel most comfortable with in your vulnerability and can cry with( and laugh with too of course!). It's saying "Yeah this is hard, it sucks, it's tough, it's taking every fiber of what I got not to turn back, it's unsettling and fearful not knowing what's going to happen next...but I am here no matter what! No matter what! I choose the hard. I choose to see all the ugliness and messiness of what has happened and who you are...and love you past it. I choose to pray for you and with you. I got your back knowing you've got mine. With all of life's uncertainty and unfairness we will hold one another up to race toward the goal that God has set before us. We are in this TOGETHER"

To those who have chosen the hard, chosen the pain, chosen to love...thank you. Thank you for loving us but more importantly...loving our Teagan enough to not let her be forgotten. Thank you for holding her in your hearts and helping us give her short life here on earth meaning. We will never forget this and the love you've given. Thank you for wrapping your arms around us in every way a person can. Thank you for not only grieving for us, but with us as well with the sacrifices you've made. Thank you for pointing us to Christ...He's holding our precious girl in His arms. Thank you for constantly reminding us that this is not how or where the story ends. We love you with all of our hearts and will always be thankful and blessed by what you've done. Thank you for giving us the gift of HOPE.