The Secret Place

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you."  Psalm 139:14-18

       I have always connected with this passage of scripture since I first read it. I love how it talks about our worth in terms of how God views mankind. I love that His thoughts of me "outnumber the grains of sand". It so simply yet powerfully expresses how God has wonderfully created everything about me. From the color of my skin, body shape, hairs on my head, even the sound of my voice or the way my face looks when I make the tiniest expression ( I am known for being quite an animated person if I do say so), none of this is a secret or dare I say unintentional. It shows the big-ness of His majesty and love to make me the only one who has my complexities. What brings me great joy as a mother is that not only are these thoughts true of myself, but also of my beautiful daughter, Teagan. For her especially I can say " Yes Lord, your works are truly wonderful!"

     I never thought that this passage that I love so, would be written on a small prayer card or adorn a rose granite headstone where my daughter is buried. With my birthday recently passing, it was heartbreaking to visit my child, only to feel like I'm talking to the cold stone and grass that I feel between my fingers as I sit weeping in a quiet cemetery. The chill of the wind sweeping the tears off my face as they flood my eyes in total blindness. Another year gone by and the tiny 6lb 5oz baby girl that grew inside of me for nine months, now under my feet instead of in my arms. Wow. That sounds so devastating as I read that back to myself. Of course it does right? Let's be real, it IS devastating! It almost seems out of line in a way. In the agony of the depressing reality it certainly feels so. Where do we go from here? How in the world do I process this somewhat coherently?! Is this real or some nightmare that I just can't seem to be shaken awake from? Does anyone really understand or even want to begin to jump inside the mind and heart of a grieving parent? Without question, God does. He fully understands and wants to hear my heart as I cry to Him for guidance, peace and comfort.

   Some may be wondering why I chose "The Secret Place" as a title for this blog. It may even seem like I just chose something clever from Psalm 139 because it fits the theme or sounds "cute". It goes much deeper for me than that as I read the message the Lord is trying to convey with His words.

   What is a secret anyway? Here are some definitions I found:

: a fact or piece of information that is kept hidden from other people
: a special or unusual way of doing something to achieve a good result

: something that cannot be explained

:  kept from knowledge or view

:  revealed only to the initiated

   Did you catch that? This profound definition and the way it applies completely blew my mind. Teagan growing inside my tummy was in fact a secret in many ways. The initiater, God, was the one who kept her there until she was born for us to see, touch her skin, smell her newborn scent, hear her little squeeks and cries... and love even more than we already had. He knew every thing about her being from the moment he had her hidden in my womb to when she would take her final breath and now where she resides with Him in heaven. That part is where the secret continues. We can only read from scripture and imagine what heaven will be like. We won't know truly what it will be like to walk on the streets of gold, be reunited with those who have gone before us in faith or the many rooms that God has prepared for us.

   So now as I sit here typing these words with her pictures and little momentos staring back at me, I have chosen in faith to share my own secret places. The things that have been sitting in my head and heart that cannot be conveyed. Maybe you are someone reading this who has been through this yourself or is in the midts of it now. I want you to know that you are not alone( though you may feel you are) and even though I may never know you or your story, I am praying for you and with you. This is my own little way of doing something to achieve a good result in bringing God glory. God already revealed the ultimate secret by choosing my husband and I to be Teagan Joy's parents.

   I look forward to share in further blog posts about our story and Teagan, how I am processing this whole journey, the agonizing grief and of course the hope that is in front of me. To us it feels at times that her life is over, when in fact, it is merely just beginning.

  Thank you for taking the time to read my words and for your prayers.

With Heartfelt Gratitude,

     Shannon

Thoughts To Ponder:

How do you relate to the "secret" places in terms of the scriptures and how it applies to your own life?

What are some things that you LOVE about yourself that God has given you or created in you?

How do you personally feel or think in terms of how God views you?