Teagan's Story Part 2 "Good and Perfect Gift"

"Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change." James 1:17 

    I couldn't help but notice the picture on her computer monitor as she asked me every question she had on her list about my family history and background. This woman who had come across somewhat pensive and curt with her responses was also a mother herself from what I could gather. The little girl on her desktop had the same face, skin tone and curly dark brown locks as she had. I was continuing to feel tense and anxious, but was not prepared for what was to come out of her mouth next. She looked down into the papers on her lap reviewing all the information she had from my answers as well as the findings from the ultrasound two days prior. Then she looked at me serious and asked the question that crushed my soul the moment it left her lips.

"Is there anything we may find today that would cause you to want to terminate your pregnancy?"

    

    I'd like to consider myself a kind and compassionate person. I'm definitely not kind and compassionate all the time of course. I have many moments when I look back and regret my thoughts, emotions and words when in particular circumstances like any other person does. This however, was not one of those moments. This mama volcano was now ready to erupt and my words were going to be the scorching hot lava that descends upon this woman. Up until this point she had me frustrated and anxious. Well, now I'm enraged, offended and quite frankly was ready to slap someone! ( Don't worry, I exhibited some self-control and kept my hands to myself). My response was less than friendly when I looked into her eyes and told her that abortion is not an option, this is MY daughter, I love her and the only One who is taking her life is the same One who gave it to her. She then proceeded to make some excuse, while not addressing my offended tone, to let me know that she "had" to ask me that and it's not personal. Say what?!?! As she wrote my "clear as crystal" answer on her sheet I added: "By the way, you can't write that in big, bold, black letters if you wish because I'm NOT going to be asked that question again."

   I'm almost certain I will blog a whole post on this moment and topic, but to keep things short in light of what is left to share, let's just say that the big, bold, black writing in which she wrote my response was almost able to be seen from space...from what I was later told. 

   How could she ask me that?! I hadn't even had the ultrasound or the consultation with the doctor and your going to assume that anyone is even ready or prepared to answer that? I grew more worried as to what was wrong considering the experience I just had. I proceeded to have the ultrasound done by a very kind and gentle technician. I saw the concerns with her femurs and kidneys on the screen which just crushed me as a mom. I wasn't giving up hope that it's something that could be fixed, but I was so scared. My husband was not able to come this appointment due to his job and even if he tried, and he did, I told him and any other person who wanted to join me not to worry. This wasn't going to be that big a deal. Yea, I know, stupid decision on my part. As I was escorted afterwards into a small meeting room, the technician looked at me with puppy eyes and tells me in a soft but concerned voice

 "Just so you know, you're in really good hands" as she closes the door behind her.

   By the time the doctor came in I was shaking and crying silently in my chair. Before I knew it he was telling me that "life's a b*%$#" and that this baby "isn't the baby I had hoped for". I was told by his findings that Teagan had bowed femurs, enlarged kidneys, facial deformities, fluid around her brain, heart pushed toward the left side of her chest, was most likely mentally retarded and from what he has seen before, may not survive past 24 weeks gestation. Now, before all of this had been brought to my attention he had tried to calm me and told me we are like family and that they would do everything they could for us. Needless to say I had a few questions to which the answers did not sound like they were in my favor. I was to have more follow-up appointments after this and paid for my visit as fast as I could and ran out of there. The people on the elevator most likely thought I was going into the labor by my heavy breathing, lack of color and look of terror on my face. All I could do at this point was get into my car and start screaming. I felt I couldn't breathe as the devastation and panic came over me like a tidal wave. My baby was sick. My baby may not live. This is my biggest fear and there's nothing I can do about it. After calling numerous people including my mother, husband, his mother and work, I calmed myself enough ( by my absurd evaluation) and drove to my in-laws who were home so I didn't have to be alone. I cried hysterically while driving and just cried out to God the whole way. Even now, this day provided one of the worst memories and experiences I think I will ever have. In my desperation, I heard a still, quiet voice say to me as I declared " Lord, I can't do this! I'm not strong enough for this!!" I heard Him say softly in a way only God can:

"You're right. You're not strong enough...but I AM. My power is made perfect in your weakness. I will carry you through this. I am right here and I will never fail you"

   I knew these words were true but believing them in that moment was a different story. All I knew to do was to keep saying it out loud with other bible verses I had memorized to keep as focused on truth as I could be. I would soon learn the difference between feeling afraid and living afraid. After another month of various ultrasounds, blood work and an amniocentesis, we laid quite a few of those initial concerns to rest. We now found ourselves at the prestigious Children's Hospital of Philadelphia May 2, 2014 for more testing since CHOP is one of the best hospitals in the world to treat what we were told Teagan's possible diagnosis would be. We knew she had some form of skeletal dysplasia due to her short and bowed limbs as well as her chest cavity. What we didn't know was that this appointment was going to tell Jason and I the most devastating news we will ever here in our time here on earth...or so we hope.

    Our mothers and one of Jason's sisters accompanied us to a day long battery of tests including ultrasounds, MRI, blood work, another consultation with a genetic counselor ( my favorite! Yes, that's sarcasm)) and ultimately meeting doctors and nurses in the end for a concrete diagnosis. I was extremely tired but excited near the end to see Teagan Joy in a 3D ultrasound. She just absolutely took my breath away. This little munchkin already had my heart but oh my, she was gorgeous. Besides my nose and chubby face, she looked just like her daddy. My heart skipped a beat at the sight of this precious miracle who according to the doctor a month back, wouldn't survive to this point. 

    It was the middle of the afternoon when we were finally escorted to a generous sized room with a long table, many chairs and the 5 of us sitting around it. We were met by a very well known maternal fetal medicine doctor and a seasoned nurse as we entered and took a seat. The doctor was very nice and soft spoken, however, she had a very serious tone that couldn't have gone unnoticed. She started speaking to us very slowing and paced as she explained what they had found. We were hopeful once she told us that Teagan was most likely not mentally retarded and what we were told was fluid in her head was just thickening (excess skin around the cervical spine area). She was very knowledgeable and started drawing her anatomy on a piece of paper and mapping out everything they found. I truly appreciated that because we all knew we weren't going to comprehend everything she was saying to us as this was alot to take in after a long day. It was then that our world came to a halting stop. She told us because of Teagan's cervical spine area, small chest cavity and deformed rib cage, she wasn't going to survive long after she was born. This baby has a small chance of living...just moments...an hour or two at best.

   I remember going into shock and not knowing how to react to what she just said. She very gently asked me if I understood what she just told us. I nodded at that point because I knew if I tried to speak nothing was going to come out. I was ready to just curl up in a ball and scream. I turned to Jason who was very quiet with tears streaming down his face. I could see on his pad of paper that he had written down some questions. He was shaking so much I don't think he could muster out any of them. I held onto his shaking hand as I proceeded to ask the questions he had written that we needed answered.

   Are you sure? Why?!! Where do we go from here? Did you really just say that? Is there a cure for what she has? Can anything be prevented? How long do you think she has? Is she in any pain? Where am I going to deliver? Is this baby going to make it another 16 weeks? So many questions...these are just a the tip of the iceberg as to what was flooding our minds.

    After the conversation progressed and the doctor and the nurse excused themselves, we all just cried and hugged one another. I wish I had said something more profound than "This totally sucks!!!!", but that's all I could say. Hopefully someone reading this has conjured up some words from the English language for this experience because I certainly have not in the 7 months since this has happened. Whatever comes to mind, just multiply it by infinity and that's how much it hurts. Agony.

   Our mothers and Jason's sister just embraced us as we tried to process what was just told to us. I remember them all saying they were sorry as tears washed over all over our faces but alot of that moment is such a blur. I do remember my mother turning to us and saying "All we have is right now... and right now, we have this baby. She's still here, We are going to love her and spend every minute fighting for her life. We are all here for you". 

    Everyone was in agreement. Jason and I may have some big worries, fears, anxieties and heartache, but we have an ever bigger God. God is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever. He had and has a plan for Teagan's life. This is our child and we made the choice to fight for her and let her have the fullest life she could. At least here on earth. We believe she is perfect in every way and her life has meaning. He has not set her aide, but He has set her apart. Our precious little girl may not be with us a long time, but we are going to live to the fullest. Our love for her and our faith in Christ is stronger and outweighed all the unknowns of the future. 

   In the next part of Teagan's story ( yes, another one) I hope to talk about the 2nd half of the pregnancy and what God was showing us along the way about our faith, our lives, our family and Himself. Thank you for making it to the end of this post. There is just so much to tell which makes it a challenge to condense all the information into one post. May God bless you in abundance as I prayerfully continue to tell the story of our precious little daughter. Thank you so much!