Teagan's Story: Part 3 "Do Not Be Afraid or Discouraged"

  "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9

    There we were both sitting on a bench looking out onto the sand and waves that were crashing on the shore. The sound of the water, people walking, kids laughing, music playing and yet there was so much chaos in my head, that I didn't hear any of the noise. Sitting here looking at the beach waves and how serene this moment should feel. Just the day before we found out our time with our child is going to be very brief. Instead of counting the days until we met our daughter, all I could think of was how many days until she was no longer here.


    Jason and I praying and talked a lot that day in particular and in the days and weeks to come. It was so hard to walk along the boardwalk seeing other families with their kids and knowing that next year at this time our arms will be empty. Feeling Teagan kick knowing that I need to soak up every minute, every second, every little piece of her because she was safe in my tummy and right there with us at this moment. We decided that we were going to do everything we could do with her while she was still growing. We went to the beach, Rhode Island for vacation, spent time with our families and anything else we could think to do with her. We talked to her, sang to her, felt her dancing when music was playing, I ate sweet and spicy foods to see what she would do, tickled her little feet when they would kick me and even had beautiful maternity photos taken to capture this precious time. 
  
     She loved water ice and would always move like a wild woman! She even tapped her hand to the beat of a song that I played on my belly one day. She definitely got that from her momma :) She loved when Jason would come home and read or talk to her in my belly. She was definitely a daddy's girl for sure. Every time we had an ultrasound she put on a little show for everyone in the room. We realized as time was going by that she was one sassy and feisty little girl full of personality!
   
   We decided given the circumstance and the choice, the wisest thing to do was to have her delivered at CHOP. CHOP is one of the only hospitals that has palliative care for families with infants that are destined to have life threatening illnesses or disabilities. We had more appointments as the weeks and months rapidly started to pass by. We met with everyone from doctors, nurses,midwives, ultrasound technicians, genetic counselors, social workers and one very special woman who was our advocate and walked us through the process of developing a birth plan. She was so sweet and understanding with a background as a doula and in psychology. She not only addressed the physical part of the birthing process but discussed our emotional and spiritual health as well. She was there when Teagan was born and has spoken to us since then in such a compassionate and loving matter. Here I go getting ahead of myself, more of that later...


    Every appointment included our mothers and Jason's sister which was wonderful. To have the support we had was simply amazing and we are so blessed. Unfortunately, many people do not have those kinds of people to lean on and depend on. I pray that God whispers to their hearts and that they allow Him to fill those empty spaces. Even in the silent moments, we were able to see God working in our lives, and sometimes, we were not. We felt completely helpless and at times the thought of what the future was going to hold was incomprehensible. I was feeling Teagan kicking all the time and couldn't help but think that once she is born, she's not going to know what hit her. Many nights I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning just sobbing. I couldn't stop by mind from racing with all the anxious thoughts and my fear magnified with every passing day knowing it was one day closer to when I would deliver her. I absolutely loved being pregnant. I have no complaints. I just couldn't wrap my brain around how we were going to get through this. Even when I tried to sleep I was having many nightmares. I was so afraid that I was going to go nuts when this was over. I was fighting the inevitable. I am going to be a mother that loses her child. 

     The "never" thoughts were always playing over and over in my mind like a cheap recording. There is a greater story in the midst of all of this but I just couldn't see it. All the hopes and dreams I had for our little family and for our daughter were quickly being crushed. I will never bring her home from the hospital, be woken up in the middle of the night by her cries, feed her, cloth her, bath her, change her, hear her laugh, see her grow up, tickle her, read to her, be able to tell her I love her, Christmas mornings... She won't ever experience life really here with us, have a birthday, go to school, walk, talk, sing, make friends, walk down the aisle for her wedding, have her own children and care for them and many more things...the list is endless. NEVER will we know what she would have been.

      After having these thoughts constantly through my mind for quite some time, our lovely pastor and friend gave Jason and I a new perspective. What an amazing man of God who sympathized with our pain and affirmed a lot of our emotions. It was in these moments of anger and fear I finally understood a very important concept. If God is big enough for you to be mad at, then He is big enough to have a plan far beyond your understanding and that is greater than you could possibly fathom. I am not always going to be privy to what He has in store. Teagan was never meant to do any of those things I have listed. That is not her purpose. Her purpose is so much greater than that. This is not home. Heaven is our real home and here we are just a passersby. Teagan is going to a place where she will always be loved, happy, at peace and never know sorrow or pain. We cannot plague our thinking and lie to ourselves that she is "missing out" on anything. She's going to be in heaven for eternity living in the glorious grace of Jesus. He has just simply prepared a place for her sooner than we thought. She is going to be redeemed of any suffering from a sinful and fallen world. God has chosen us and endowed us with the responsibility of proclaiming this truth by way of giving our child back to Him. Our children are only ever lent to us anyway. 

      A very dear friend gave me some of the best advice when I was crying with her at church about how fearful I was now that the time was drawing near to be induced. She told me that God will give me the grace I need in the moment. I don't feel it now of course, because I don't need it now. When the time comes He is going to give me the courage to do what He has asked of me. Once I understood this concept ( after processing it for a long time because I had no idea what she was even talking about. Thought she was nuts!) I had a sense of empowerment. I can do this. I can do all things Christ has called me to do because He is the one that gives me the strength to do it! ( Phil 4:13)

      Before we knew it, August 20th had arrived and today was the day I was going to be induced. Silly Teagan girl did not want to be born beforehand. Long walks, bumpy, roads, big birthing and ball and even some spicy wings couldn't provoke her. I told you she was a feisty and strong-willed little girl. We knew she was always a fighter but didn't realize how much stubbornness she received from her mother and determination from her father. It was a surreal moment walking into the hospital with our bags and my big belly knowing we were going to walk out totally different. We had our game faces on and were hoping it was in God's will to work a miracle. No matter what, we were just so excited with all that this entailed, to just hold our little girl. Before goodbye we were looking forward to a very emotional and special hello. Trying to live it all out and take it all in just moment by moment. 

     My next post will be the last one in Teagan's story. No worries though, I will be posting other little stories or lessons we have learned in this journey as the Lord prompts me to write. Meeting her and our time with her is my most favorite part of course. If you are reading this, I want to thank you so much for taking the time to read my words and my heart. I know this isn't an easy topic to read but I hope it encourages you and you know how grateful I am to be able to share this with you. God Bless!