"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
It was just about midnight and I still wasn't asleep nor did I feel even close to it. I was tired I'm sure but the anxiousness and fear was giving me more than just a "second wind". I was probably on my 4th or 5th "wind" by then and the chirping of the machine to the left of my hospital bed along with my IV was distracting to say the least. The induction process had already started hours beforehand and I was feeling very small contractions as I was laying in bed trying get some rest. I don't know about you, but the last place you are going to get rest is in a hospital. Feeling as big as a cruise ship, having no idea how long this was going to take and feeling this was the beginning of the end in some ways made sleep sound like some foreign activity in "La La Land". Pun totally intended :)
I want to share this time with you to make you feel encouraged with the hope that you see how God was present through Teagan's arrival into this world as well as her departure. I will try to paint a picture for you as best I can, but I may not be able to show you the entire canvas. There are many precious moments that we hold as a family that I feel are so private and sacred to just us. This very well may be one of my longest posts even in respecting my family's privacy. You may at some point need an intermission and if so, go right ahead! I pray that your hearts are understanding and tender in what I am going to share. I am very well aware that someone may be reading this who has gone through a similar situation, is awaiting it or knows someone who has. Please know that you frequently come to mind and that I pray that God's love and grace just smothers you in this very tense and tough season of life.
It was now early morning on Thursday the 21st and like I had expected, not much sleep had been gotten by yours truly. I had already had a few doses of induction medication (that I still cannot pronounce) and now it was time for round 3 since Teagan Joy decided that she wasn't ready to grace us with her presence. The oven timer hadn't quite beeped yet and this little turkey was still cookin'! I just had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't going to happen on my time line or completely the way I wanted. You need to surrender certain wishes or expectations when you are having a baby no matter what the circumstance. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and just telling me to be still. Listen to His voice for wisdom and peace of mind. God knows. He already wrote it in time the exact moment she was going to be born. It has already be established since before our lives had began. There are specific reasons as to why and how she would be born and I may not be privy as to what that meant. I was learning the different between understanding God's ways and trusting His ways.
I kept trying to remember this as the day progressed, but I have to admit, it was a struggle for me. My fatigue turned into exhaustion which led to frustration as you can imagine. I learned quickly it's a bit of a cat and mouse game trying to sleep and yet be ready to deliver if by some miracle they were to check me and everything was a go. I was instructed to eat before arriving at the hospital the night before and wasn't allowed anything to eat and most likely wouldn't until my feisty, sassy pants of a baby was born. We were visited by some familiar faces which included family, doctors, the palliative care team and genetic counselor we have come to know over those last few months. Before I knew it I was walking the halls of the Special Delivery Unit and feeling contractions ( which by the way was the coolest thing ever!!) that were substantial but not causing any significant pain. God humbled me as I passed the doors of the other rooms where other families were experiencing a loss of their own. We had heard shortly before my walk that another family was having their baby baptized. From what I could gather this little baby not doing well and not expected to live. Here is another family on the other side of what I was waiting for. I'm walking past them feeling Teagan make small little movements in hopeful anticipation and behind that big door, this family was watching their little one slip away.
It's now about midnight Friday morning and yet again I'm having a hard time falling asleep. Little cat naps weren't much help the day before between visitors, walking, feeling incredibly hungry and that whole anxiety thing. Oh yea...who could forget, I'm trying to have a kid here! My lovely nurse had administered some Benadryl via my IV which gave me just enough time to wheel my pole with me to the restroom before I was out like a light. If only things stayed that way...
( Remember that intermission I had mentioned earlier? In case you were wondering, I took one here as the words flow from my fingertips...time for some chocolate!)
So after about and hour and a half of wonderful sleep I am awaken by...drum-roll please...contractions! They decided that they were not going to let the Benadryl win. After 2 hours of breathing through them and of course being utterly exhausted and defeated, I decided that now was epidural time. This is where it gets funny as I recollect what I must have looked like. I'm standing in the middle of my room, Jason is snoozing away, I have crazy hair, baggy eyes and I'm holding on to my IV pole looking like Grumpy Cat as my nurse and the midwife walk in. It was a moment for the cinema because I just declared in my exhaustion and I believe I even grunted :
"Give me the DRUGS!!"
Less than 30 minutes later I was back in bed with the wonderful numbing feeling that my awesome epidural provided. They are amazing, I don't care what anyone says it worked so well the whole- wait...getting ahead of myself again...
By early morning we were all pleasantly surprised that my labor was progressing quickly and consistently. Before I knew it, it was just after noon and it was time to push. The moment I had been waiting for has finally arrived. It wasn't just 9 months in the making, it was years of hope, wonder and anticipation of this desire to bring a baby into the world. I was very determined and tried listening to everything they were telling me. The midwives and nurse taught Jason how to operate the Pitocin just to help my contractions become stronger. Go for it! I don't feel a thing!! For the three and a half hours of pushing it wasn't as scary as I thought or what I had heard. The whole time I was just praying and reciting bible verses to myself. I kept talking to God because in this moment, even though I had many around to assist, it was God, myself and Teagan. She had her head turned to the side which made the duration of this process longer than it would have been had she been positioned correctly. That's the way she was though, so sassy and always a bit on the stubborn side. Wonder who she got that from :)
The moment we all had been waiting for was just moments away as I prepared to finally see my sweet baby face to face. Jason was amazing as he helped the nurses and midwives, kept encouraging me and we even had a few laughs as he tried rubbing my numb leg for comfort, comfort I couldn't feel. Then, just as I was feeling I had not much left to give, she was here. Teagan was a little chubby thing and was not a happy chickie that she had been evicted from her little home in my belly. They laid her on me and I just was in awe that this little baby was mine. I have taken care of many children having worked in a childcare facility, but this little miracle who they said wouldn't make it past 24 weeks, was here and she was ours.
She was just so perfect and beautiful. Her cute chubby cheeks, green eyes, little squeaks and long auburn brown hair was all just so precious. Jason and I are both blonde and were bald babies, so it was quite the surprise to have a little girl with her long hair. She was born at 3:41 pm and was 6 lbs 5 oz and 17 inches long. She was our little peanut! You could clearly see in some of her features how the campomelic dysplasia had effected her body, but we didn't care one bit. She was perfect. She is fearfully and wonderfully made by God and we couldn't love her more if those alterations in her form didn't exist.
The NICU staff was there in a matter of moments along with other familiar faces to assess Teagan and to congratulate us on her arrival. They gave her a small dose of morphine which helped with any discomfort but also aided in her coloring which wasn't great when she was born. Before we knew it she was making cute little expressions and had a little story to tell us. What a moment I will never forget as a mother. I was in love with her.
We spent time talking to her, reading, singing "Happy Birthday", giving her a little bath, hugging, kissing and just enjoying her as her mommy and daddy. We had no idea what was going to transpire as far as her time went, so we soaked up every moment with her. We also enjoyed having our friend and photographer there to capture those moments from before she was born to our first moments as family. Jason and I couldn't help but cry because we finally had her in our arms and the moment was so overwhelming with all the joy and the uncertainty of what was to come.
A few hours had gone by and I had been feeling the Holy Spirit tell me that our family had to meet Teagan while we still had her. They had been waiting all day since the morning, along with our pastor and friend, and our birth plan was that no one would see her until she was gone. Nothing was set in stone and everyone was made aware weeks prior as to what our wishes were during this time. I felt a strong feeling that everyone needed and deserved to see this little girl, especially since they had been with us this entire journey thus far. We had our pastor come in for a few moments and he prayer over us as he held Teagan in his arms and doted on her, kissing her little head and talking to her. Then just moments later our parents joined us to meet their granddaughter. The love and pride on their faces as my mom and Jason's parents held her and loved on her was such a special moment. Soon Jason's siblings were ushered in and we were all together as a family enjoying Teagan. These are the moments I spoke of earlier that are hard to put into words and that I want to keep close. I cherished this time with everyone more than I can say. This momma's heart was so thankful to Jesus for what He had already given us, the gift of time.
I was enjoying something to eat for the first time in over 48 hours as everyone had their time with Teagan. I have to admit something I never really expressed before to anyone. In those sweet moments, I had told myself that she was going to be fine. I don't know whether to consider this faithful hope or blinded denial, but I was watching everyone with her and hearing her "put on a show" for the family. I let myself believe that she was going to make it. Maybe because she wasn't expected to do this well or still be with us. I told myself that a miracle was going to happen. I told myself she would live here with us a little while longer, that we would be taking her home.
As she made her rounds with everyone I didn't know nor realize she was starting to evanesce. She was handed over to Jason and when that happened, he just gave me a look that I will always remember. It was time. I asked what was wrong because I don't think I wanted to believe what that look meant. Just minutes before I was telling myself she has more time. We grew emotional as he handed her back to me and could feel something was different. She was growing weary and had little left to give. A NICU doctor came in and assessed her very briefly. The only questions I could ask was "Is she still breathing?". He told us that she was but it was very faint and it was a matter of moments. Jason and I could only tell her that we love her and that if she wanted to go home, she could. We kissed her and embraced her. Then, just as the words left our mouths, with everyone around us that means the most to us, she went HOME. A sweet NICU nurse confirmed her passing with tears in her eyes. Teagan Joy went from my arms to the arms of our Savior. What a precious moment. What a blessing it was to be there and witness when her and I became one, carry her, bring her into this world and hold her when she went to Heaven. The BEST day of my life thus far.
The next two days before I was discharged were spent with Teagan, making mementos, taking more pictures, being visited by family and hospital staff and spending every ounce of what we had with Teagan. She never left our side until it was time for us to leave Sunday. My thoughts of this beforehand were that I wasn't going to be able to handle any of this. Sufficient Grace. God met us where we were at. He gave us the grace when we needed it to endure this time of deep agony and grief. It didn't feel awkward or out of line to hold her, bathe her, dress her, dance with her or anything. Then time was drawing near to say goodbye and be released. The staff at CHOP was exceptional and our nurse on those final days gave us everything under the sun. Anything we touched practically came home with us. At that point I was waiting for them to peel the wallpaper off the walls to give it to us! We even have locks of Teagan's hair and molds of her hands and feet. They were amazing. God had poured out so many endless mercies on us.
The nurse had entered our room which was the indication that it was time for us to depart and Teagan was going to be picked up by the funeral director from the hospital. I hugged to nurse as I started to cry, thanking her for everything she need for us and for our baby. One of the hardest moments was transpiring as I held Teagan for the last time in the hospital ( We would have time with her again before her services) and handed her to a complete stranger. I took one last look at her little face and touched her hair as it ran through my fingers while giving her over. My heart was overwhelmed with pain and longing for my daughter. We walked briskly through the hospital down to where our car was parked. It was surreal leaving without her when days before I was all belly and anticipating her birth. Now we were walking through those familiar corridors and elevators without her. No kicking, no movement, no laughter...we were really doing this.
Another post on another day will explain what God was doing and continues to do after we said goodbye to Teagan here on this earth. No lengthy exegesis is necessarily what needs to happen here. Just know that we truly felt that our faith is what got Jason and I through these moments. We are so weak as humans, never really privy to all that lies ahead. That is just fine by me. I know that when the storm comes, my God is the strong one who walks on water. He called us out into the raging see and though we did hesitate, question, worry and fear, we followed. All I really know is that she is basking in the glory of God. Sitting on Jesus' lap and He is delighting in her. I will see her again and when that day comes, my time here on earth between meetings will be a small insignificant moment compared to eternity.
Keep shining Teagan. Thanking and praising God for using you to bring others closer to Himself. We wouldn't change one moment if I meant not having you. You are the light of our lives. Until we meet again dear one, we love you little sweetheart. God holds you in His hands, we hold you in our hearts.
I want to share this time with you to make you feel encouraged with the hope that you see how God was present through Teagan's arrival into this world as well as her departure. I will try to paint a picture for you as best I can, but I may not be able to show you the entire canvas. There are many precious moments that we hold as a family that I feel are so private and sacred to just us. This very well may be one of my longest posts even in respecting my family's privacy. You may at some point need an intermission and if so, go right ahead! I pray that your hearts are understanding and tender in what I am going to share. I am very well aware that someone may be reading this who has gone through a similar situation, is awaiting it or knows someone who has. Please know that you frequently come to mind and that I pray that God's love and grace just smothers you in this very tense and tough season of life.
It was now early morning on Thursday the 21st and like I had expected, not much sleep had been gotten by yours truly. I had already had a few doses of induction medication (that I still cannot pronounce) and now it was time for round 3 since Teagan Joy decided that she wasn't ready to grace us with her presence. The oven timer hadn't quite beeped yet and this little turkey was still cookin'! I just had to keep reminding myself that this wasn't going to happen on my time line or completely the way I wanted. You need to surrender certain wishes or expectations when you are having a baby no matter what the circumstance. I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me and just telling me to be still. Listen to His voice for wisdom and peace of mind. God knows. He already wrote it in time the exact moment she was going to be born. It has already be established since before our lives had began. There are specific reasons as to why and how she would be born and I may not be privy as to what that meant. I was learning the different between understanding God's ways and trusting His ways.
I kept trying to remember this as the day progressed, but I have to admit, it was a struggle for me. My fatigue turned into exhaustion which led to frustration as you can imagine. I learned quickly it's a bit of a cat and mouse game trying to sleep and yet be ready to deliver if by some miracle they were to check me and everything was a go. I was instructed to eat before arriving at the hospital the night before and wasn't allowed anything to eat and most likely wouldn't until my feisty, sassy pants of a baby was born. We were visited by some familiar faces which included family, doctors, the palliative care team and genetic counselor we have come to know over those last few months. Before I knew it I was walking the halls of the Special Delivery Unit and feeling contractions ( which by the way was the coolest thing ever!!) that were substantial but not causing any significant pain. God humbled me as I passed the doors of the other rooms where other families were experiencing a loss of their own. We had heard shortly before my walk that another family was having their baby baptized. From what I could gather this little baby not doing well and not expected to live. Here is another family on the other side of what I was waiting for. I'm walking past them feeling Teagan make small little movements in hopeful anticipation and behind that big door, this family was watching their little one slip away.
It's now about midnight Friday morning and yet again I'm having a hard time falling asleep. Little cat naps weren't much help the day before between visitors, walking, feeling incredibly hungry and that whole anxiety thing. Oh yea...who could forget, I'm trying to have a kid here! My lovely nurse had administered some Benadryl via my IV which gave me just enough time to wheel my pole with me to the restroom before I was out like a light. If only things stayed that way...
( Remember that intermission I had mentioned earlier? In case you were wondering, I took one here as the words flow from my fingertips...time for some chocolate!)
So after about and hour and a half of wonderful sleep I am awaken by...drum-roll please...contractions! They decided that they were not going to let the Benadryl win. After 2 hours of breathing through them and of course being utterly exhausted and defeated, I decided that now was epidural time. This is where it gets funny as I recollect what I must have looked like. I'm standing in the middle of my room, Jason is snoozing away, I have crazy hair, baggy eyes and I'm holding on to my IV pole looking like Grumpy Cat as my nurse and the midwife walk in. It was a moment for the cinema because I just declared in my exhaustion and I believe I even grunted :
"Give me the DRUGS!!"
Less than 30 minutes later I was back in bed with the wonderful numbing feeling that my awesome epidural provided. They are amazing, I don't care what anyone says it worked so well the whole- wait...getting ahead of myself again...
By early morning we were all pleasantly surprised that my labor was progressing quickly and consistently. Before I knew it, it was just after noon and it was time to push. The moment I had been waiting for has finally arrived. It wasn't just 9 months in the making, it was years of hope, wonder and anticipation of this desire to bring a baby into the world. I was very determined and tried listening to everything they were telling me. The midwives and nurse taught Jason how to operate the Pitocin just to help my contractions become stronger. Go for it! I don't feel a thing!! For the three and a half hours of pushing it wasn't as scary as I thought or what I had heard. The whole time I was just praying and reciting bible verses to myself. I kept talking to God because in this moment, even though I had many around to assist, it was God, myself and Teagan. She had her head turned to the side which made the duration of this process longer than it would have been had she been positioned correctly. That's the way she was though, so sassy and always a bit on the stubborn side. Wonder who she got that from :)
The moment we all had been waiting for was just moments away as I prepared to finally see my sweet baby face to face. Jason was amazing as he helped the nurses and midwives, kept encouraging me and we even had a few laughs as he tried rubbing my numb leg for comfort, comfort I couldn't feel. Then, just as I was feeling I had not much left to give, she was here. Teagan was a little chubby thing and was not a happy chickie that she had been evicted from her little home in my belly. They laid her on me and I just was in awe that this little baby was mine. I have taken care of many children having worked in a childcare facility, but this little miracle who they said wouldn't make it past 24 weeks, was here and she was ours.
She was just so perfect and beautiful. Her cute chubby cheeks, green eyes, little squeaks and long auburn brown hair was all just so precious. Jason and I are both blonde and were bald babies, so it was quite the surprise to have a little girl with her long hair. She was born at 3:41 pm and was 6 lbs 5 oz and 17 inches long. She was our little peanut! You could clearly see in some of her features how the campomelic dysplasia had effected her body, but we didn't care one bit. She was perfect. She is fearfully and wonderfully made by God and we couldn't love her more if those alterations in her form didn't exist.
The NICU staff was there in a matter of moments along with other familiar faces to assess Teagan and to congratulate us on her arrival. They gave her a small dose of morphine which helped with any discomfort but also aided in her coloring which wasn't great when she was born. Before we knew it she was making cute little expressions and had a little story to tell us. What a moment I will never forget as a mother. I was in love with her.
We spent time talking to her, reading, singing "Happy Birthday", giving her a little bath, hugging, kissing and just enjoying her as her mommy and daddy. We had no idea what was going to transpire as far as her time went, so we soaked up every moment with her. We also enjoyed having our friend and photographer there to capture those moments from before she was born to our first moments as family. Jason and I couldn't help but cry because we finally had her in our arms and the moment was so overwhelming with all the joy and the uncertainty of what was to come.
A few hours had gone by and I had been feeling the Holy Spirit tell me that our family had to meet Teagan while we still had her. They had been waiting all day since the morning, along with our pastor and friend, and our birth plan was that no one would see her until she was gone. Nothing was set in stone and everyone was made aware weeks prior as to what our wishes were during this time. I felt a strong feeling that everyone needed and deserved to see this little girl, especially since they had been with us this entire journey thus far. We had our pastor come in for a few moments and he prayer over us as he held Teagan in his arms and doted on her, kissing her little head and talking to her. Then just moments later our parents joined us to meet their granddaughter. The love and pride on their faces as my mom and Jason's parents held her and loved on her was such a special moment. Soon Jason's siblings were ushered in and we were all together as a family enjoying Teagan. These are the moments I spoke of earlier that are hard to put into words and that I want to keep close. I cherished this time with everyone more than I can say. This momma's heart was so thankful to Jesus for what He had already given us, the gift of time.
I was enjoying something to eat for the first time in over 48 hours as everyone had their time with Teagan. I have to admit something I never really expressed before to anyone. In those sweet moments, I had told myself that she was going to be fine. I don't know whether to consider this faithful hope or blinded denial, but I was watching everyone with her and hearing her "put on a show" for the family. I let myself believe that she was going to make it. Maybe because she wasn't expected to do this well or still be with us. I told myself that a miracle was going to happen. I told myself she would live here with us a little while longer, that we would be taking her home.
As she made her rounds with everyone I didn't know nor realize she was starting to evanesce. She was handed over to Jason and when that happened, he just gave me a look that I will always remember. It was time. I asked what was wrong because I don't think I wanted to believe what that look meant. Just minutes before I was telling myself she has more time. We grew emotional as he handed her back to me and could feel something was different. She was growing weary and had little left to give. A NICU doctor came in and assessed her very briefly. The only questions I could ask was "Is she still breathing?". He told us that she was but it was very faint and it was a matter of moments. Jason and I could only tell her that we love her and that if she wanted to go home, she could. We kissed her and embraced her. Then, just as the words left our mouths, with everyone around us that means the most to us, she went HOME. A sweet NICU nurse confirmed her passing with tears in her eyes. Teagan Joy went from my arms to the arms of our Savior. What a precious moment. What a blessing it was to be there and witness when her and I became one, carry her, bring her into this world and hold her when she went to Heaven. The BEST day of my life thus far.
The next two days before I was discharged were spent with Teagan, making mementos, taking more pictures, being visited by family and hospital staff and spending every ounce of what we had with Teagan. She never left our side until it was time for us to leave Sunday. My thoughts of this beforehand were that I wasn't going to be able to handle any of this. Sufficient Grace. God met us where we were at. He gave us the grace when we needed it to endure this time of deep agony and grief. It didn't feel awkward or out of line to hold her, bathe her, dress her, dance with her or anything. Then time was drawing near to say goodbye and be released. The staff at CHOP was exceptional and our nurse on those final days gave us everything under the sun. Anything we touched practically came home with us. At that point I was waiting for them to peel the wallpaper off the walls to give it to us! We even have locks of Teagan's hair and molds of her hands and feet. They were amazing. God had poured out so many endless mercies on us.
The nurse had entered our room which was the indication that it was time for us to depart and Teagan was going to be picked up by the funeral director from the hospital. I hugged to nurse as I started to cry, thanking her for everything she need for us and for our baby. One of the hardest moments was transpiring as I held Teagan for the last time in the hospital ( We would have time with her again before her services) and handed her to a complete stranger. I took one last look at her little face and touched her hair as it ran through my fingers while giving her over. My heart was overwhelmed with pain and longing for my daughter. We walked briskly through the hospital down to where our car was parked. It was surreal leaving without her when days before I was all belly and anticipating her birth. Now we were walking through those familiar corridors and elevators without her. No kicking, no movement, no laughter...we were really doing this.
Another post on another day will explain what God was doing and continues to do after we said goodbye to Teagan here on this earth. No lengthy exegesis is necessarily what needs to happen here. Just know that we truly felt that our faith is what got Jason and I through these moments. We are so weak as humans, never really privy to all that lies ahead. That is just fine by me. I know that when the storm comes, my God is the strong one who walks on water. He called us out into the raging see and though we did hesitate, question, worry and fear, we followed. All I really know is that she is basking in the glory of God. Sitting on Jesus' lap and He is delighting in her. I will see her again and when that day comes, my time here on earth between meetings will be a small insignificant moment compared to eternity.
Keep shining Teagan. Thanking and praising God for using you to bring others closer to Himself. We wouldn't change one moment if I meant not having you. You are the light of our lives. Until we meet again dear one, we love you little sweetheart. God holds you in His hands, we hold you in our hearts.
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