Enough

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” 

I Peter 2:9

February 22nd of this year marked 6 months since Teagan was born. It was a very busy weekend filled with a birthday party, singing with the ensemble at our church and...a baby shower. First let me say this because I have a sneaking suspicion at least one or two people who read this will ask "You went to a baby shower?! Why? What was that like?"

Those kinds of events as expected bring up a ton of triggers as one can only imagine if they haven't gone through what Jason and I have. I made the choice to go and I had every opportunity and was shown the grace I needed if I decided it was too much, by my dear friends. I knew I would have more regret not going to the shower and even the other events than if I stayed home and threw myself a pity party and let myself go to a dark place. I have been trying my best to step out in faith...some days that might be just getting out of bed. Whether I stayed home or did engage in all the activities, the thoughts of my daughter and longing for her cannot be diminished. I spend every waking moment thinking of her, loving her and missing her no matter what is going on in the world around me. I will say that I (more often than I care to admit) get flooded with the thoughts of "never" and "inadequacy" when think about the whole situation. 

The word that always comes to mind is ENOUGH. Thoughts tend to always end with this word! Some examples of filling in this paralyzing word: I'm not strong(enough), Smart(enough), Honest(enough), Vulnerable ( you get the point by now...), Poised, Quiet, Talented, Successful, Well-versed, Mature, Positive, Thankful, Grateful, God-seeking, Soft, Calm, Comfortable in social situations, Patient, Kind, Motherly, Tactful, Tenacious...I can keep going...

Why do we do this to ourselves?! Why do I do this to myself?! When you lose a child, everything you dislike about yourself or have insecurities about tend to bubble to the surface at some point when life happens or insensitive comments are made. I have even sat and thought about if I would have even been a good enough mother to Teagan had she lived longer here with us. With some of the life situations and circumstances I have lived, the odds in some ways are stacked against me. I cannot help but ask God at least 1000 times a day: Why did you choose me? What do I have to give in any way to bring glory to Your name? Surely there had to be someone more qualified for the task right? No, I do not wish this to happen to anyone else so please do not misunderstand my intentions. I know it does happen to more families than people care to realize. It's the most encouraging and devastating thing when you hear of other mothers and fathers having to say goodbye to their children. It's not the natural order of things...it seems so out of line. I'm always so unsure of myself when I ponder and sit on the negative thoughts that cloud my head.

Just recently I saw this quote from Melissa McCarthy and I felt it hit me right between the eyes...especially the last sentence:

"I've never felt like I needed to change...I've always thought 'If you want someone different, pick someone else' "

I sat on that last part for quite a moment when I read it. I believe that God will use anything from His word to pop culture to make Himself known to everyone. He is always pursuing us and wanting us to trust Him fully with our lives. He created us to love Him...not because He needs us, but because He loves us! He wants that intimate relationship with us because He cares for us that deeply. Once I was reminded of this truth, it helped me realize that I was putting what other people and the "world" think I need to be, before who God says I already am to Him. If God wanted someone else to be Teagan Joy's mother, He would have picked someone else. This goes back to my very first blog post...how quickly I forget my own words! I was created with my daughter in mind. All of the gifts I have been given by God were not an accident or anything I have given to myself. I need to stop worrying about the "Enough" thoughts and be who God created me to be rather than who I think I should be. 

This isn't to be confused that we hold all the power or all the cards in life. There will be moments where doing things in our own strength will not be sufficient. Those are the moments I find myself crying while I drive, doing simple little tasks, hear sad news, am spoken to in anger, lay in bed at night and yes...even sometimes on the bathroom floor. I know that God is enough and will complete the good work that He has started in me. I don't need to have all the answers because my future is already known by a big God. It's ok and even part of being human not to have all the strength you need all the time. I know I will always have moments where I don't feel I have or am ENOUGH...but God is enough.

I try to hold on to the thought that if I knew everything God knew, I would pray for my circumstance. That sounds so crazy given the agonizing pain I feel daily deep in my heart. Everyday. So much at times I physically hurt because I want my daughter in my arms. I'm learning that is not a selfish feeling, but one of a mother who loves her child and is human. The encouragement in all of this is that the magnitude of the blessings coming are far better than the pain of the moment. God never wastes a hurt...super-sized blessings are in my future. That's a promise!!

My favorite word in the verse I posted above...CHOSEN. I was called to be everything God has made me to be. I was chosen to be Teagan Joy's mother. I feel so undeserving of my beautiful baby girl who has changed the way I see the world, people, myself, eternity and God. Even the things that I don't like about myself that may not necessarily be character defects. The guilt I feel by God for my flaws and inadequacies is just enough to bring change. It's to awaken us and not make us dead. Satan is the one who brings the regret to enslave us. I am going to make a conscious decision not to let him grab a hold of me and so he can try putting on the shackles of shame and condemnation.

So with this said....let's all say "Enough! Enough of Enough!!"  You are loved! I want to know and believe who God says I am and do it on purpose!